The last week has been long and stressful. And my poor sisters, I have no idea what I am going to do with them. More on this later
So I have been writing for a while that I am tired of hiding. Hiding the fact that I'm a lesbian. So my soror flat out asked me if I was gay, but I said no. Then I told her she didn't ask me if I was bisexual, and I said I was. I was so proud of me. But then I was like that is a copout because I know I am a lesbian, but I said I was bi. I think that it is a step in the right direction. In hindsight I think that I maybe shouldn't have told her because she really does not know how to keep her mouth shut. But at the same time I think that it is time for me to stop hiding this part of my self. We'll see how it goes.
So I said I would write, but school is hectic. I have so many things to do it is crazy. My current problem is that I have to take the GRE and I have no money. I mean I think that I have four cents in my room. I need to take it, I have not studied, I have to apply to grad school. I am pushing the deadline very close. It is all my fault. I mean why am I such a procrastinator. I could have taken the test over the summer, and been done with that, but no. I waited and not i am pressed for time. I really want to get into a good grad school. I said that I was going to stop saying I'm going to do , and just do. Here it begins. Right now. Also, I have no one to talk to. It seems like evryone is putting grad off for a year. I want in right now though. I want it really bad. So I don't know why I set myself up to fail. It's like a constant thing with me. Put stuff I need to do early off until I have no time do do things how I want to. What is my problem? If someone could help me I would appricate it. Also I have no real person to vent to. Just this journal. I would like another perspective. Not lust I tell my problems and then someone responds with there own problem. I don't know what I feel right now. Scard and sick are at the forfront. Help me someone pleas.
So I'm back at school and it is really hectic, but that will be saved for another post. What I want to say is that there is no justice in the world. I know what I am about to write only happened on a television show but well I know that something this good will never happen to me. So I was watching without a trace last night. The story was that this woman was angoraphobic. But why in the end did the woman who was angoraphobis get a girlfriend. I mean I go out everyday and I still do not have a gorlfriend. Where is the justice in that? I know it was only television but still, I felt a little pain. I want a girlfriend. This campus is to small for me.
I'm thinking of telling my cousin that I'm a lesbian. I mean no one in my family knows, and I am closest to her. So I want to tell her. I'm tired of lying. She asked me what my favorite part of the male form was and I immediately said no part. Then she asked me what my favorite part of the female was and I hesitated. Finally I said no part to that as well. And I knew then that it was time I guess. Now I just have to figure out how and when to tell her. Email, phone, or in person? I think in person would be best. That means I have until thanksgiving to prepare. Should be enough time. Now it's decided and that's what I am going to do. On a lighter but still sad note, back to school for me. It is my last year, but with that come a whole hell of a lot. Applying to grad, senior project, GRE, work, internship. I can tell I am going to spend most of the next few months venting. Later.
So I have a proble with being shy. I mean this has to be why I have barely any friends. I'm on ourchart and someone sends me and message saying lets be friends. I emailed back, but I fill sick to my stomach. I'm like scared that she might not want to be my friend. How sad is that? I scared of some random rejection by a person I do not even know yet. That's crazy. I mean how typically is it that I am afraid of rejection. I need help.
So today is slightly stressful. I have so much work that I need to do, that should have been done over the weekend,but did I do it? Ofcourse not I was to busy procrastating. Pluus I haven't been able to pay my tuition. I mean, my parents are supposed to pay it but they don't have any money. I know they don't have any money. I barely had enough money to but book this semester. So I was supposed to go to financial aid to get some assistance. But did I, hell no. I mean I think I have a problem. I just cannot bring my self to go to that office. No matter how much I know I need to go and see if they can find me some money to pay the two thousands dollars I owe. I don't know what my problem is, it's slighylty scary because it seems as if I'm trying to sabotage myself pulling stunts like this one, and the semester is over in six weeks. I need help. Anyway, I'll force my self to go tomorrow morning.
So I've had this blog for about three months and this is the first time that I am posting it it. That is so sad. I really don't have much to write right now. I don't know what I am going to do with this blog. Whether it will be just for my ramblings, or if there will be serious posts. I'll have to think about it.
